What About Camille Cosby?

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While many have expressed both concerns and disgust about Bill Cosby in the wake of the recent allegations of his drugging and sexually abusing young women years ago, my heart goes out to Camille Cosby, his wife of 50 years.

I can only imagine what her life may be like during these very dark days. At a time when her season should be blooming with flowers, she has to endure the harsh realities of being the wife of a celebrity at its worse.  Not only is she publicly dealing with the effects of a spouse that has been unfaithful, she has to somehow keep her family together and wear a smile even when her heart is aching.

Camille Cosby has issued a statement in support of her husband speaking to his love, kindness, gentleness and that he is a good husband. She further stated, “He is the man you thought you knew.” I am not one to challenge a wife’s relationship with her husband and I take her statement to be based on her relationship and not public opinion.

I have admired Camille from a distance for so many years. She always appears so graceful and never allowed the Hollywood lifestyle to dictate who she was, even in her youthful years when Bill was in his prime. I am sure it must have been difficult at times. She chose to discontinue coloring her hair and showcased the premature grey many years ago when it was not popular for a young Hollywood couple. Instead of being caught up in the glamour, she devoted her efforts to raising her family and giving millions to education and philanthropy as a way of sharing her blessings. As a result, the Cosby gifts have benefited many.

Mrs. Cosby’s humanitarian acts along should give her peace, but how can she be at peace when allegations against her husband threatens to destroy a lifetime of work. It’s despairing to think her good deeds may be tarnished by actions not of her own doing.

I am disturbed about the numerous allegations against Bill Cosby. I absolutely believe there was infidelity in their marriage. Something Camille appears to have forgiven years ago. My prayers are the truth is revealed by the accused and the accusers, because the truth will set them all free.

I can’t suggest to Mrs. Cosby how to feel or what to say about her husband. After all, she has been with him for 50 years and the accusers allegedly only a brief time. I can agree with the statement Bill Cosby said to a reporter about Camille, “Love and the strength of womanhood.  Let me say it again, love and the strength of womanhood. And, you could reverse it, the strength of womanhood and love.”

What We Should Learn from Lupita Nyong’o Dark Skin?

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Lupita Nyong’o, Oscar’s 2014 Best Supporting Actress is a role-model extraordinaire. She is beautiful, exciting to watch and represents a woman who is confident in her skin. I recently described her as ‘beauty from head to toe.”

For many of us, Lupita appeared from nowhere to master her first major movie role as Patsy in Oscar’s Best Picture of the Year, 12 Years a Slave. So compelling was her performance, I left the movie theater thinking more about Patsy’s survival then Solomon being freed.  Little did I realize the young woman who played a sexually and physically abused slave, would months later rise to become one of the most significant people of the award season?

On a recent Hot 97 radio interview with Angie Martinez, supermodel, Naomi Campbell described Lupita as “The lady of the moment who is elegant and stunning, yet simple and humble.” Amazingly, comedian and host of Fashion Police, Joan Rivers was in awe and found it difficult to say anything negative about Lupita. How did she emerge as the break-out person of the year and quickly rise to the A-list in Hollywood? Most of the glamour portion of her rise, we can attribute to heavy media coverage, but it is Lupita who has turned her quick fame into a message of hope for many women of all ages, in particular young Black girls and women.

What makes Lupita stand out and why is she significant? What can we learn from this young woman who has inspired many by openly discussing her past pain?

In her well-documented acceptance speech at the Black Women in Hollywood awards luncheon, Lupita revealed publicly how she endured “teasing and taunting about my night-shaded skin” while growing up. As a teenager, her emotional pain grew so severe; she tried to make a deal with God to lighten her skin. Nothing she offered changed her skin color. God had a plan for her. He needed her to stay beautiful just as she was for a time such as now.

Women of color in all walks of life from celebrities to villages in Africa are sadly using extreme and often dangerous products to whitening their skin, Lupita’s comments are so profound and hopefully a welcomed alternative for many women who believe that somehow their lives will be better and they would look pretty if only they had lighter skin. As co-directors, Bill Dukes and D. Channsin Berry pointed out about their documentary, Dark Girls, the conversation is now open. We should continue the dialog and address the pain caused by the dark skin/light skin color issues and keep the conversation alive in order to raise awareness of the biases that govern the standard of beauty in our world.

As Lupita Nyong’o so elegantly pointed out in her Oscar acceptance speech, “It doesn’t escape me for one moment that so much joy in my life is due to so much pain in someone else’s.” I translated that to mean, “don’t get it twisted, we still have a lot of work to do and a long way to go.” The door is open for all to walk through. Your skin color does not validate you!

By Sheila L. Agnew author, inspirational speaker, life coach and blogger. http://www.sheilaagnew.com

Be A Blessing!

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A friend told me an inspiring story the other day. While driving through a heavy Atlanta rainfall, he noticed a couple standing at a bus stop with two small children. The woman was under an umbrella, the children were hovered closely to her on each side and the man was standing next to them without cover.  This picture touched him in a way that he detoured from his original destination, drove around the corner and returned to the bus stop. He did not want to frighten them, and he also wanted to exercise caution. He was prompted to ask if they had a car. The father responded “no.” My friend asked if he may have his phone number because there may be a possibility he could help them obtain a vehicle.

A few days later, he called the father and was moved by the family’s financial situation. They agreed to meet for lunch. During the lunch, he offered to give the man the car he had been driving the evening they met. He not only blessed them with a 2007 vehicle, the insurance was already prepaid for one year. He transferred the title and added the couple to the policy, which allowed them to have paid insurance for the first year. What a Blessing?

My friend was in a financial position to bless this family in a tremendous way, but being a blessing extends from the heart.  His heart was in the right place. There are many times we can be a blessing to others even in a very small way.  I received a blessing just a day ago in the amount of $5.35. I pulled up to the drive-thru window at a restaurant to pay for my order and the cashier informed me that a lady in the car ahead of me had paid my bill.  I had no idea who this lady was, but the gesture put a smile on my face and made my day.

During this season of giving, many stories of generosity will occur. As we go about these last few days of shopping, let’s remember the homeless, senior citizens, children and those around us who are lonely, ill or missing a loved one. Be a Blessing!

Green Don't Mean A Thing When Racism is Queen!

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Last week, journalists and social media went into a frenzy when news broke that a store clerk in Switzerland refused to allow Oprah Winfrey a closer look at the expensive handbag she was admiring in an upscale store. Oprah is America's first self-made woman billionaire and one of the few in the world who made their money without a husband or inheritance. Oprah is the brand, the product and the service.

As I listened to news reports and read social media comments, many questioned whether it was a racial incident or not. I contend without question it was racial. There is one simple rule to determine retail racial profiling, "Did the store clerk refuse to show the handbag to any of the white customers who asked to see it?" If the answer is yes, then it is not a racial incident and she treated all customers the same. I hardly believe if Sara Blakely, the creator of Spanx and also a self-made billionaire who is white, would have been treated in the same manner.

According to reported comments the store owner Trudie Goetz made, the “poor clerk” was upset. She was merely trying to communicate with Oprah and show her options. If that was so, then show her the option she wanted to see. Oprah is a very intelligent woman and her unique ability to communicate is largely responsible for her fame and fortune.  It is not likely that after repeating to the clerk three times she wanted to see the Tom Ford handbag there was a communication issue. 

I don't feel sorry for Oprah. She certainly can buy anything she really wants. I am sad about the incident and the fact that we still live in a world where a person can earn enough money to purchase a car, house, yacht or any expensive items they desire and be denied because of their skin color.  As many reasonsTrudie Goetz offered for her employee's actions, there is simply no excuse that would cover ignorance. The worldwide racial profiling of people of color whether men, women or youth is a reminder that money can be a non-factor when people are color blind.

Hatred and ignorance has a permanent place in the minds and hearts of many people.  We can't change that, but like Oprah, we can take the high road.  She was much more effective by choosing the right timing to tell the story, rather than creating a scene about it while in Switzerland. The store owner not only lost a possible thirty-eight thousand dollar sell, but received some embarrassing and unwanted publicity for her upscale store. The cost of the handbag is really irrelevant.  Many women of color including myself have similar experiences in stores where handbags are much less. It’s a horrible feeling to know you are being profiled while shopping. I get angry, but like Oprah, I leave without making a purchase.

Are You In Need of Some Fitness Inspiration?

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If you are beyond the first ten days in the New Year and in a slump, with little or no movement and progress towards your fitness and health resolutions, you may be heading towards another year when you are not meeting your goals.  Consider this, “Are you in the same place now as you were last year or even years before?”  If the answer is yes, you may be a prime candidate for a triathlon awakening, a renewal of the mind, body and soul. 

Athletically, a triathlon is a contest of strength and endurance in three levels often associated with swimming, cycling and long-distant running.  Whether an athletic or not, our minds and bodies need similar types of endurance disciplines to navigate successfully through our challenges, and focus on creating a healthy lifestyle.  This is the race of life.  What we do with our bodies has a direct result on whether we will go a short or long distance.

Each of us has an opportunity to experience a healthy lifestyle.  All we need do is carefully prepare and train with exercise, fitness and proper nutrition.   When implementing disciplines similar to an athletics’ training, you may have a better chance of qualifying to receive the crucial reward of moving from the place that you have been complacent in for so long, to a more healthy and fulfilling life. The healthy development of one’s body will create a direct flow of energy to the mind for a soul-satisfying experience.

The good news is, even though you may be over ten days into the New Year; you can still experience the excitement of achieving success in your health and fitness goals.   Here are a few tips triathlon athletics incorporate that will be useful for anyone desiring a transformational lifestyle.

·         Set goals - Goals are important and help produce the motivation needed to achieve some things that may appear impossible. 

·         Periodization – Refers to a process in which athletics divide time into manageable blocks designed to produce specific fitness and performance results.  Set your goals so they will be realistic and manageable within the timeframe you have on a day-to-day basis.  A desire for fast results will soon become discouraging.  If you assign specific blocks of time for each lifestyle objective, and pace yourself, results will become visible faster.

·         Motivation – Make it personal. Why do you want to have a transformational lifestyle?  Do you want to shed pounds for a specific event?  Do you have a physical challenge or do you want to look and feel better for a lifetime? Consider things that will fuel your motivation for achieving your goal.

·         Measure – How will you measure your results?  Give yourself specific parameters such as losing inches, reducing body fat or losing ten pounds.  Stay focused.

·         Time Frame – Give yourself a defined period of time.  If you wish to lose 30 pounds, cut the goal to 10 pounds every month.  Each time you meet your goal, you will get excited about the next interval.  Don’t set a goal like 30 pounds in one month knowing that it may be too much too soon.  Be realistic.

·         Challenge – Make your goals doable. Keep your meals interesting by trying new healthy recipes.  Get your family and friends involved in sharing dishes with each other.  Diversify your fitness routine by experiencing different workouts such as short marathon challenges fewer than 5K for charity, and joining walk/run groups.  You can also start your own challenge with family and friends, which helps to motivate you and others by making it fun.  Don’t keep the same routine.

·         Envision – Can you see the pounds coming off, the positive doctor’s report, the beautiful outfit in your closet fitting without the bugles or crossing the finish line?  How would that make you feel?  The wonderful thing about vision, it helps you to see what the future can look like.  Create a vision board or simply create a vision where your goals are firmly planted in your mind. 

Don’t give up because you have not begun the program or reached the goals you so eagerly resolved to do in 2013.  You can always start at any time realizing each day is a new beginning.  The important thing is to start.  If you fall short, pick up where you left off and begin again.  We are all in the race and everyone has an opportunity to cross the finish line.

Why President Obama Is Still the Smartest Man I Know?

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What many people, including me, felt was a big blunder and even defeat for President Obama on the debate Wednesday evening, was a superb strategy. In hindsight, it was perhaps the best debate strategy in presidential history.

It took me a while to figure it out, particularly since I am on vacation in Aruba and only getting bits and pieces of the aftermath of the debate.  But like many Obama supporters, I could not rest until I shed light in my mind on what appeared to be a complete turnaround in President Obama’s debate skills and presentation.

From the very beginning, the Obama team predicted Mitt Romney would be the Republican challenger.  They were prepared for this even before all the Republican debates and primary, so there is simply no way President Obama was unprepared or intimated.

After hashing the debate over and over with my husband, we really believe President Obama intentionally performed in what appeared to be a lackluster debate as a part of his strategy to expose Mitt Romney’s inconsistencies, and reveal how he would do anything to win an election.

President Obama was aware that Romney would come well-prepared to answer questions that have haunted him like the forty-seven percent video, refusal to release taxes, and the constant flip-flopping of issues among other things. President Obama did not want Romney to have the opportunity to defend those issues with additional lies to the people.  His strategy allowed Romney to continue with more inconsistencies, including saying he supports education, but is going to defund PBS, the educational television channel when he is in office.

The very next day, President Obama went on the campaign trail speaking about all the issues many highly anticipated he would bring out in the debate.  One important component, Romney was not there with his well-prepared rebuttals.  President Obama took a big chance with his strategy. Some polls show a slight bump for Romney after the debate, and many supporters were upset at what appeared to be a lackluster performance, but the truth shall be revealed. 

President Obama is focused, smart and realizes he has an opponent with whom he has to stay one step ahead of the game.  I anxiously await the next debate and pray the real Obama will show up and show out.

VOTE on Tuesday, November 6^th.

African American Women and their Motivational Quotes-National Women's History Month

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      A couple of years ago, I was in the office of Attorney Janice Mathis, Executive Director of the Rainbow Push in Atlanta and saw this quote on the wall.  “I am but one, but I am one.  I can’t do everything, but I can do something.  What I can do.  What I ought to do, with God helping me, I will do.” After reading it twice, I remember telling her I would give her credit three times and then claim it my own.  Janice responded, “That’s alright, there is a lot more of that in me, so I will just come up with something else.”  

     Her response is significant to the life and struggle so many of our foremothers who throughout the history of America, always came up with something else in order to survive despite the many barriers of color, poverty, hate and despair.  These courageous women saved lives, opened doors, cleaned floors, educated, graduated, raised children, lost children and husbands, worked, cooked and slaved in the hot sun for hours and days.  They endured many roadblocks, but remained steadfast always managing to come up with something else, another way to survive.

      In honor of National Women’s History Month, I am particularly reminiscence of the great African American women whose accomplishments have inspired me on my journey.  Some famous with stories written in history like Harriet Tubman, one of the greatest conductors on the Underground Railroad who reportedly led over five hundred slaves to freedom and later said, “ I could have saved thousands more if they had only realized they were slaves.” Madam CJ Walker is recognized as the first self-made woman entrepreneur in America and was a pioneer in the hair care business creating wealth for thousands of African American women and men who were part of her prestigious sales team. Madam Walker remarked about her career progression in July, 1912 at the National Negro Business League Convention, “I am a woman who came from the cotton fields of the South. From there I was promoted to the washtub.  From there I was promoted to the cook kitchen and from there I promoted myself into the business of manufacturing hair goods and preparations….I have built my own factory on my own ground.”

     Many African American women fought tirelessly for civil rights in the fifties and sixties.  Among them was Fannie Lou Hamer, a civil rights activist and instrumental figure in championing the right to vote and eliminating pervasive poverty in the African American community.  While Fannie Lou is sometimes credited with coining, “I Have a Dream” which was the prelude to what remains the most famous speech in the world by Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., she is probably best known for saying, “I am sick and tired of being sick and tired,” which later became her epitaph.  The most famous woman of the civil rights movement, Rosa Parks, once remarked in response to why she did not give up her seat on the bus to a white man, “The only tired I was, was tired of giving in.”  I marvel at the strength of these great women in history and having had the pleasure of being in the presence of Ms. Parks on a few occasions, the energy I felt was likened to turning on a switch to a lamp. She made a room light up. 

     As we travel on the journey of life, each of us will find our own heroes. Someone will carve a place in your life history to inspire you.  I remember the first time hearing a Black woman give a motivational speech in the late 1970’s at a business function. Her name was C. Delores Tucker, an activist for women’s and civil rights. Later she became an outspoken anti-rap activist, challenging lyrics that degraded women.  Her speech captivated me and I had never heard anything so compelling.  I kept these words from that dynamic presentation with me for life, “we must stand tall like a cypress and walk like a stallion.”  At the passing of my late grandmother, Vivian R. Brown, I used these words in her eulogy to describe how she lived her life.

.   Another significant inspiration for me was the first motivational note I received in 1979. One of my business professors in college invited entrepreneurs from the community to speak to the class.  Maryellen Thomas was the public relations director for Proctor and Gardner Advertising, the first advertising agency owned and managed by a Black woman, Barbara Proctor.  Maryellen’s thirty-minute presentation left me inspired about my future.  Her voice was low in pitch but powerful in substance.  I was so moved that I wrote her a thank you note stating that I hoped to meet her on the road to success. Surprisingly, I received a reply I have kept in my possession throughout the years. “You are already there….We cannot achieve every goal or vision.  But, as long as you envision new dimensions of those goals and exercise the energy needed to make them reality, the lull or storm in between is not failure, even though some wish to interpret it as such.  Also, success isn’t always standing, it’s falling down but never forgetting the magnificence of your goal’s skyline… until you are able to stand and touch the sky.” Many times I have failed. Many times I find the letter, read it again encouraging me to stay on the road and I still stand.  I often wonder what became of Maryellen and what she would think if she knew that a brief note to a student became a part of her life history.

     During National Women’s History month, take a stroll through your journey and discover or reconnect with some of the beautiful, courageous African American women who made it possible for us to head major corporations, become leaders in politics, travel in outer space and make decisions that shape the fabric of the world.  Most important, share this history with girls and young women so they too will know their foremothers and perhaps carve a place in history, their school, workplace and communities.

South Carolina Conservatives help Newt Gingrich win a Despicable Victory

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And I am appalled. After having the audacity to give a standing ovation to Newt Gingrich at the Thursday night Republican debate when he defended his infidelity by lying on his second wife, the South Carolina Right Wing Conservative voters presented Newt with a trophy win. Isn’t this the same Newt who lead the effort to have President Clinton impeached, yet he was receiving a standing ovation for defending his actions of infidelity. Are the Evangelical Christians of South Carolina pro-life, yet overwhelmingly support adultery?


Another lie of the debate is Newt blaming his poor choices on President Obama, or at least the liberal media giving support to the President. Where did that come from Newt? Either you were a cheater in your previous marriages or not. President Obama had nothing to do with your unfaithful past. I would declare Newt as the Pinocchio of the debate and his nose should have grown a few more inches, because he was one big liar.

It wasn’t too long ago when another Republican candidate by the name of Herman Cain was forced to abandon his campaign due to his infidelity problems during marriage. In fact, many prominent Republicans leaders and journalists were suggesting that Mr. Cain step down. Now, Newt is surging in popularity with the same character issues lingering. Where are those Republican leaders when it comes to Newt or are the Right Wing Conservatives so thirsty that they will drink the poorest quality of tea?

Thank You First Lady Michelle Obama

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Thank you First Lady for staying true to yourself and remaining focused on your goals of health and fitness for both children and adults.  You are a shining example of courage and the beauty that illuminates from you is a positive role model not only for black women, but for women around the world.

Far too often, black women are attacked for their natural physical features which oddly are imitated by every race of women.  Besides our exquisite features, we are intelligent, talented, creative and spiritual women who have remained strong throughout history to preserve a culture of greatness.

We should not allow the ignorance of others to capture our minds in an attempt to unravel all the good we have contributed to the past and future of the world.  Yes, some of us to have “large posteriors” but our bodies do not define who we are.  Black women should refuse to embrace media images that suggest to us that the three percent of women we see on TV, movies, and magazines should determine what ninety-seven percent of women should look like, wear and even how we feel.

I applaud First Lady Michelle Obama who refuses to allow negative media to distract her from her goals of encouraging healthy lifestyles.  I support her efforts against childhood obesity, improved education and setting a prime example of family values.  You are Divine in Your Skin! 

Are You a Difference Maker?

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During this season of reflection, many people ponder the question, “Where am I today?” Some review the year past and think, “Wow! What a great year,” while others eagerly look forward to the next year, with anticipation of better times.

Some years ago, during my period of reflection, I read an editor’s magazine note which asked the question, “Where are you today?” The author went on to describe how many people are in exactly the same place they were one, five, ten and even fifteen years prior?  Each year, we make resolutions to change among other things; finances, weight, diets, careers and situations.  Some succeed, and others retreat back into the routines that have stalled their progress for many years.

The editor called for readers to make a commitment to move out of situations that keep them in bondage.  Truthfully, the article resonated with me because it was during a period in my life when I was stuck. I felt my business was not growing.  I was losing my creativity and I lived in a city where opportunities came in the form of being accepted by the right cliché.  I was the person the editor was speaking to, but I knew I could not remain in the situation another year.  At that defining moment, I made a resolution to resolve the issues that had not changed in a few years, so that I could move from bondage to freedom.

Resolutions are important to people and most are sincere about making a commitment to change.  I conclude the reason many do not succeed beyond the first few months is the difficulty in leaving your comfort zone.  Transitioning to live outside your comfort zone requires that you submit to making a difference in your life.   A difference maker can meet a need in spite of the condition. A difference maker does not give in to the situation, whether it is losing weight, reducing debt or leaving a negative situation. A difference maker develops a plan, takes actions to improve, increase and progress.  A difference maker realizes the goal may not be reached in one month, six months or even a year, but remains focused on achieving divine order in their life.

Reflection is a great way to begin a renewal process.  If you are honest with yourself during reflection times, you can envision the direction and path needed to elevate your growth.  The good news is opportunity awaits you and the door only closes if you don’t act.

Was Tyler Perry on the Drug, “All About Me?”

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Tyler Perry must have been on a drug called “All About Me” when he wrote his open letter to defend the choice of Kim Kardashian for his upcoming movie, “The Marriage Counselor. “ I truly believe Tyler should have the right to cast as he pleases for his movie and from a business perspective; I support him for wanting to expand his reach.  There are, however, precautions for every business decision.

The fact that fans were outraged and disappointed at his selection of Kim for the “small role” should have prompted him to be more compassionate and perhaps listen to his fans more before deciding to be heard in a “comedic” rebuttal, which I failed to see the humor.    To complicate matters more, he defends his choice by stating “millions of youth look up to Kim.”  Most parents should be concerned about that statement. It has long been established that Kim’s background and open life is certainly not one the average parent would want their daughters to emulate.

In actuality, agree or not, Kim does have a black fan base that have watched and supported the Kardashian Family reality series since its inception.  Far too often, the movie and TV industry take the African American audience for granted because research shows our families watch “far too much” TV.  The problem is Kim’s fan base (or not) got so caught up in her reality show being real, they feel disappointed, used and outraged by her marriage “fiasco.”  It was not just black women who were angry, women all around the nation voiced outrage and disgust at the 72 day marriage that was so carefully played out on TV.  The whole engagement and planning was staged as a fantasy wedding, which the average young woman dreams of having someday.  To witness the marriage end abruptly was like crushing a dream. The speculation that Kim and Kris profited from the wedding only added fuel to the fire.

To his majority fan base “Black women”, Tyler Perry’s movies are just as real as life.  I completely understand Tyler casted the role of marriage counselor prior to Kim’s decision to dissolve her marriage, but certainly he should have reconsidered casting someone who had just made a public mockery out of marriage (whether intentional or not)?  Unfortunately, this was poor timing and since the part is supposedly a “small role,” Tyler could have very easily cast Kim in another movie down the road.  Besides, don’t we know from her reality show that Kim is so busy; she did not even have time for her new husband?  I wander if Tyler even talked to Madea about his decision.

Personally, I am more disappointed that the lead role in the movie played by Jurnee Smolet is being overshadowed because of this unnecessary distraction.  Jurnee is a young woman who I have followed since she was a little girl and feel she is a superb “real” actress that Hollywood has underused.  I pray that this movie will allow Jurnee to move to a level of super stardom which is deserving of her skills and talent.

As for Tyler Perry, he will survive.  His letter made very clear that he was not going to change his selection for the role he cast Kim for.  This is not a moral issue for Tyler.  He is determined to expand his reach to a more diverse audience by any means necessary.  In doing so, I hope he does not lose sight of the audience that has provided him the luxury of being in a position to expand.  A quick detox from the “All About Me” drug may be a good remedy.

How to Attract a Date

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Date yourself! Yes, the first step to attracting a date is to realistically look in the mirror and consider if you were on the other side, would you date that person.

The second step is to identity five things that make you fun, interesting and appealing and write them down. If you have problems writing down five action words, you should already know you need help. The next step is to turn the paper over and write down five things you believe may hinder you from potentially attracting dates. The items on the back side of the paper are what we want to work on.

While I have no idea what you wrote on your paper, I am going to assume that I will cover at least some of the items in the content that follows. At this point, I am implementing a disclaimer to inform you that I do not have all the answers. The knowledge that I am going to share is based on my experiences and research. I also want to make clear that this writing is about dating only. We need to practice getting past first tier before we move to the next level.

Dating is a necessity in building relationships. Some married couples believe their return to dating helps to keep their romance alive. Dating is a time to communicate interest through discussions that lead to discovery. This should determine if there is a mutual interest. Dating helps you build a relationship before expectations creep in. For this reason, I believe sex too early in the relationship leads to unrealistic assessments and expectations.

Let's talk about how we get to the point where we are attracting dates with a system I call "Sheila's Rules."Rule one; we need to focus on the right thing. Generally, women focus on meeting someone to love and men focus on having sex. If we pay closer attention to what is said and done during the initial meetings instead of focusing on finding a "soul mate" or "sex mate", we increase our chances of developing more meaningful relationships centered on quality.

Rule two, get out and do something besides your daily routine. Unless you are waiting on the mailman/lady, you will never be seen if you are in the house. Change your everyday routine and incorporate something you have not done before.  Rule three; always look your very best. Whether you are running an errand, going to the mall or taking a jog around the corner, make sure your hair is combed, clothes neat and breath is fresh. Feeling good about you is an external reflector. Rule four, change that Attitude. A good attitude at the very least makes you approachable. If your attitude says "don't even think about it," most people will not. My best advice is to check the attitude at the door.  Rule five, lift the Restrictions. Whether man or woman, too many restrictions are a turn off and also limits the pool of potential date candidates. Truthfully, too many restrictions are like roadblocks, difficult to get around. Rule six; concentrate on meeting people and not one person. You want to focus on people who enhance and enrich your life. There are so many life-enriching activities that are fun and fulfilling with or without a date.

The very first thing I suggested was to look in the mirror. The mirror is best known for helping you make an assessment of yourself. We should be realistic about what we see. Am I conscious of my physical appearance? Do I need to update or refresh my wardrobe? Do I need to visit a professional hairstylist or barber? Is my conversation diverse, uplifting and positive? Is my external beauty a reflection of my positive inner self?

Sheila's last rule is to give yourself a boost of confidence. Set a goal and own it. Some confidence builders are staying in touch with your spirituality, keep reaching higher and always look for opportunities that bless your life. "Building confidence requires the ability to believe in yourself or whatever the goal is you want to achieve.  Possessing vision and passion encourages you to enrich your life." Have a great date! 

(Some portions of this article include excerpts from my book, All About the Vets, A Sharing of Life Experiences for Women of Honor.) Reprint with permission only.  

Is Hair Weave the new Diamond?

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I’m not kidding and this is no joke.  There is a new and often violent crime wave sweeping the country where thieves are robbing beauty supplies and stylist salons for human hair weave and extensions.  At least one man has been murdered in Michigan when thieves stole packages of hair valued at $10,000 from his shop. Earlier this week and last month in Atlanta, thieves pulled off smash and grab robberies, each valued at approximately $30,000.  The thieves boldly smashed cars into windows of the establishments similar to big diamond heist in movies. Most of the victimized businesses have video recordings, which helped police find the murderers of Jay Shen in Dearborn, Michigan.  Two young people will spend the rest of their lives in prison for that crime.

The popularity of hair weaves and extensions have made the product more desirable by women of all races and walks of life. While hair weave is very often associated with black women, Hollywood’s new elite reality stars have made weave more popular with Caucasian women. The red carpet awards and ceremonies have just as much added hair on the runway as diamonds and pearls.  This celebrity status and overall demand has caused the price to raise as much as $200 a package for some quality of hair. As Chris Rock pointed out in his movie, Good Hair, some black women are paying as much as $1000 to get weaves and stylists have adapted layaway plan to accommodate the demand.

I’m really not so concerned about whom wears weave, what nationality wears it the most or even how much they pay for it. I truly don’t know that much about weave and extensions as I have never worn any.  I am more concerned about who is buying the stolen goods and the fact that people’s lives are at risk both physically and financially.  I would not support a stylist who purchases these stolen goods because that would be assisting a criminal and no one deserves to be victimized because they are selling a product that is in demand.  The more weave crimes that take place, the higher the retail prices will go up to cover the loss.  Please keep this in mind if the weave dealer comes knocking at your door, “Got that Hair.”

Our Destructive Behaviors

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Although I did not know much about Amy Winehouse's music, I was saddened to hear of her death. Unfortunately, my limited knowledge of Amy is the very public battle she had with drug and alcohol abuse. Without an official autopsy as of this writing, my assumption is Amy's destructive behavior was most likely the cause of her untimely death.

Amy's struggles were not uncommon, as drug and alcohol abuse has been the demise of far too many young people who choose to live destructive lifestyles. Amy's celebrity status gave her addiction national attention, but what about our youth whose abusive behaviors threaten our communities. In my hometown of Chicago, the big news story on Monday mornings is how many innocent youth were killed over the weekend as a result of someone's poor choices. The future of many promising young men and women are forever lost due to destructive behavior brought about by savage mentalities, ignorance and lack of respect for each other.

Destructive lifestyles are not reserved for youth. We need only look within to discover things we are doing without even recognizing that we are creating a pattern of self-destruction in our own lives and the lives of others. We are plagued with health issues and diseases that often can be combatted with proper diets and exercise, yet we continue to abuse our bodies to the point of no return. Our children are far too often victims of physical and sexual abuse by authority figures ranging from parents to ministers, causing them to live in fear and mental anguish. Our leaders would rather destroy our countries for a piece of the action, rather than seek peaceful solutions for the betterment of all.

Destruction is all around us, yet we are only moved when the media brings attention to the lifestyles of people who really add little value to our everyday existence. Yes, I am sad for Amy Winehouse, her family and fans, but I can only pray that this type of international attention will help so many of us recognize our own destructive behaviors and inspire us create a better life and environment for our future existence.

Land of the Midnight Sun

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Check out my new post on blackatlas.com about my adventure to Anchorage, Alaska, "The Land of the Midnight Sun" http://www.blackatlas.com/city​/storydetail/1151/24

Can We Wait On Love?

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While reading an inspirational story one morning, the writer made a point about the need to love and be in a relationship. He reminded readers that having a deeper relationship with God help to nurture loving relationships and told a story about a man who decided to trust that God had someone in mind for him to be his life’s partner. Although he didn’t know who that person was, on those days when he felt most lonely, he wrote love letters to his future spouse. On New Year’s Eve when he had no one to kiss, on Valentine’s Day when he had no one to send him a card, he wrote love letters to “his heart’s desire,” and trusted that God would open his heart and his eyes to the right person. On his wedding day, his gift to his bride was a box of love letters written to her when he didn’t even know who she was. What a beautiful story of preparing for love while trusting in God!


Over the years, I have witnessed people spending countless hours and money trying to decide how to tell someone they loved him or her. Admittedly, I assisted many of those people in my former balloon decorating business by helping turn some of those thoughts into reality. I’ve tied hundreds of balloons to bottles of Cristal champagne, made a three-foot gift basket filled with over $1000 worth of designer perfumes and colognes and camouflaged $5000 cash in a four-foot hot air balloon basket for a client who was surprising his wife with spending money on a trip to meet Nelson Mandela. Most times this was fun and I enjoyed building relationships by helping people with their love adventures.

On the other hand, I’ve witnessed many others spend countless hours looking for someone to love and most important someone to love them. There were even those who spent money sending elaborate arrangements to themselves at the office so others would think they were loved and in a great relationship. Thinking back, I only wish my Christian walk was as it is today, so I could have told them about “real love.” If only they had loved themselves like they wanted someone to love them.

Nearly fifteen years later, some of the relationships I developed in that business are still in my life. Some are friends who have gone on to find love and others are still trusting in God. As we grow older, some of the things that were important in those days don’t seem to matter anymore. We’ve learned to love ourselves by enriching our lives and filling our time with activities that bring value and personal fulfillment. More important, we recognize we do not need other people to define who we are. Those days when we are lonely, we pamper ourselves at a spa, become a mentor, write a book, start a business or hobby, take a weekend trip with friends, but most of all, we keep on trusting in God!

Life Lessons from the NBA

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Although I am in no way classified as an avid sports enthusiast, I found myself unusually drawn to the 2010-2011 NBA season, in particular the playoffs and finals. Typically, I do not watch with any consistency except during the playoffs. This year was different. For the first time since the Bulls reign with Michael Jordan, I was really interested in what happened with the NBA games. Initially, that interest was activated by Derrick Rose and the great year the Chicago Bulls were having after a long hiatus. Certainly LeBron James, Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosch of the Miami Heat made me curious to see what game they would bring to the table. The elimination of Boston and LA really elevated my desire to watch young teams like Memphis, Chicago, North Carolina and Kentucky play with precision and skill against more seasoned winning teams. I confess, prior to the finals, I had paid very little attention Dallas and knew for sure Miami would clinch the prestigious NBA title, even writing in a blog about their perseverance and determination. Watching Dallas in the second game of the finals and subsequently winning the NBA title, I realized there are life lessons to be learned from the NBA.

- Don’t judge the book by looking at the cover.

- Great players are created, but you have to build the team.

- There are many great runners in the race, but only one winner.

- Losing can be a humbling experience.

- Good things come to those who wait.

- Age ain’t nothing but a number.

- When you lose, you can always pick up the pieces and get back on track.

Looking forward to the 2011-12 NBA Season.

The Scottie Pippin Controversy

Someone on my Facebook page just suggested when I responded to his post that I said Scottie Pippin dogged Michael Jordan and I replied, "Never said he dogged MJ. Just said, "Who asked him and why was it even necessary? I respect him for his opinion, but some things can be left alone. For the record, there are many things Scottie could say about both MJ and KJ to encourage young people, like how hard they worked at their craft to be better than average, they both will go down in history as two of the best players ever in the NBA, and what I used to remind students when I taught who wanted to emulate KJ, that he graduated with honors. Scottie should make comments that bring young people together rather than separate because as KJ says on a commercial, they are role models and they can't forget they had role models when they grew up."

The Power of Perseverance and Determination

I predict the Miami Heat to win the 2011 NBA Championship. It’s not because they are my favorite team. It is the demonstration of perseverance and determination I have witnessed in LeBron James, Dwayne Wade and their trusted helpmate, Chris Bosh. Together with their teammates, they have achieved in one season what many (including the writer) said they would not do or should not have done. In spite of the bad press and slow start, the Miami Heat are on the brink of giving LeBron what he left the Cavaliers to achieve, “a championship team.”


Winning an NBA championship is a massive undertaking and players really have to be committed to their vision with a team effort. There is value in staying focused on your goals, but perseverance is the difference between the winner and the winning team. There were several personal set-backs for LeBron and Dwayne during the year. Many would have cracked under the pressures, but the dual stayed true to the vision and are on the brink of making their “mission possible.”

I am a Chicago Bulls fan and excited about the great job Derrick Rose, Coach Thibodeau and the team were able to accomplish with the MVP accolades. However, we all can benefit from the lesson we are receiving by watching the Miami Heat’s tremendous execution in setting and achieving their goal with perseverance and determination.

Black Women Should Fight Back!

Black Women Should Fight Back!


I went back in history and pulled out a quote from my sister Fannie Lou Hamer to write this article, "I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired." After tossing my thoughts around for a few days in order to suppress my anger about the latest negative comments from a black man, Albert Haynesworth of the Washington Redskins, regarding black women when defending the allegations that he assaulted a black waitress, "I didn't touch her. I don't even like black girls. I know what this is about; she is just upset I have a white girlfriend. I couldn't tell you the last time I dated a black girl. She was trying to get with me", I succumbed to the pen. Actually Albert, the word is black women, not girls, and we are not upset because you have a white girlfriend or even that white women are your preference. We are upset because you and others like you make dumb statements that degrade black women to support your preference.

I took the liberty to research Albert Haynesworth specifically to find out if he had a black mom that worked her butt off to make sure her family had food, clothes, education and a home regardless of their economic status. As I suspected, the Washington Post printed an article in May, 2009 with the headline, "Redskins' Albert Haynesworth's mother knew best" (http://hamptonroads.com/2009/05/redskins-albert-haynesworths-mother-knew-best). There it was, in living color, a big picture of Albert "don't like black girls" Haynesworth and his beautiful black mom. Albert's mom worked as a seamstress in a factory, machinist and truck driver to support the family and provide a good home for them after her divorce from his dad, which is not an unfamiliar story among single mothers of many black athletes. Most interesting in the article is when a teacher suggested six year old Albert may need medication to suppress his behavior in class, his mom developed her own remarkable routine of getting him up every morning at 6:00 am and running him around the house to reduce his excitement, which she reported to be successful in calming Albert in class. I consider this an honorable action as surely his mom must have been tired from working long hours, but placed her son first, which quite possible was the impetus for him developing his talent for the NFL. The fact that Albert would make such a blatant statement about black women is a direct insult to the person who not only paved the way for his success, but gave birth to him. Unfortunately, he and other black men like him don't understand that negative actions and statements about black women does not separate his mom. It makes her inclusive in the race of women he does not like.

When researching Albert, the information I found did not get better, it got worse. Chad Ochocinco (the football player formerly known as Chad Johnson), reportedly requested that no black women be a part of his 2010 reality show, the "Ultimate Catch." I watched possibly two episodes and realized up front that Chad was not into dating black women judging from the selection. The producers were even a bit blown away by his actions and protested when he suggested the pre-selected black women be replaced with Caucasian and Hispanic women. They managed to talk him into placing two obviously token black women who were later booted. To his credit, unlike Albert (to date), Chad did make a public statement, "As a kid growing up, I developed a strong sense of self-worth from the incredible women in my life, all of whom were black. I am the man who I am today because of black women, and I am forever grateful for the values and strength they instilled in me....... Bottom line is that I love black women. I got four beautiful children and their mother is black." While this does not excuse his behavior, at least he made an attempt to correct his actions. Again, the anger was not about his preference, it was about a black man refusing to want beautiful black women included in his reality show. Are we not worthy of an "Ultimate Catch" or is this an option strictly reserved for non-black women?

Apparently an Asian psychologist by the name of Satoshi Kanazawa thinks he has come up with the answer. In his May, 2011 article in the "well-regarded" publication, Psychology Today, entitled Why Black Women Are Less Physically Attractive Than Other Women, Kanazawa supposedly conducted a study which suggested among women, black women are less attractive. Blackvoices.com published a reprint because Psychology Today pulled the article due to the huge public outrage from all races and genders causing the site to crash. I am appalled a publication of this distinction would even allow an unfounded article which lacks competent proof to support the findings and makes a generalization about groups of women based on what appears as a personal opinion to be published.

Kanazawa's conclusions quite honestly were more disgusting and more damaging than the statements and actions we as black women receive from some black men.

"There are many biological and genetic differences between the races. However, such race differences usually exist in equal measure for both men and women. For example, because they have existed much longer in human evolutionary history, Africans have more mutations in their genomes than other races. And the mutation loads significantly decrease physical attractiveness. But since both black women and black men have higher mutation loads, it cannot explain why only black women are less physically attractive, while black men are, if anything, more attractive."

This comment suggests that black women are damaged from genetics. To be more specific, Kanazawa is saying it's in our DNA to be less attractive. In researching mutation loads, I found no evidence to suggest his statement has any validity from a physical prospective, but medically lower levels of mutation may produce diseases such as Sickle Cell Anemia which is prevalent in African Americans and more recently a growing number of Hispanics.

"The only thing I can think of that might potentially explain the lower average level of physical attractiveness among black women is testosterone. Africans on average have higher levels of testosterone than other races, and testosterone, being an androgen (male hormone), affects the physical attractiveness of men and women differently. Men with higher levels of testosterone have more masculine features and are therefore more physically attractive. In contrast, women with higher levels of testosterone also have more masculine features and are therefore less physically attractive. The race differences in the level of testosterone can therefore potentially explain why black women are less physically attractive than women of other races, while (net of intelligence) black men are more physically attractive than men of other races."

Kanazawa is suggesting with this statement that black women look manly and masculine. I almost had to laugh to keep from crying. Is this man a psychologist or psychotic? This is taking me back to black people have tails and the Mandingo myth about the size of a black man's penis. Where are the facts to support his statements? While there is some evidence to support that African Americans, particularly younger black men have higher testosterone levels, Kanazawa provides no scientific evidence to support that black women are less attractive than non-black women because of testosterone. Also important to note, he makes a suggestion that black men are less intelligent, though more attractive than men of other races. In his research, black men get all the props (par intelligence) and sisters are the lowest form of human beauty.

The danger in this and other "research" by people who are non-black and have no idea about black women, their life or experiences is damaging and adds to the difficulties that continues to plague black women who have fought for so long to erase the negative images around the world. Additionally, this type of labeling lowers the self-esteem of young black girls who often struggle with their image due to constant reminders from media that the perception of true beauty is the 3% of white women and girls they see on TV, movies, print, and online.

I suggest that black women begin to fight back with a vengeance. I don't mean with finger pointing and head swirling. I mean we need to speak out loudly against all the negative media, research and opinions about who we are and how we look. We should use our voices to sing positive songs of praise about our sisters and their struggle. Instead of imitating black women on shows like Basketball Wives and Housewives of Atlanta, we should contact the producers and ask them to present more positive images of black women and relationships with black men or we will boycott watching these shows which rank tops among black TV viewing audiences. A black male told me the reason he does not like Housewives of Atlanta is all the other Housewives shows portray white women in positive relationships with husbands that have successful careers and businesses and the Atlanta program only show black women in successful relationships with gay black men. Black women should demand organizations like the NFL and NBA publicly denounce the derogatory statements these athletics make against black women. In fact, women in general should not be degraded by their players. These organizations should provide life skill classes to help reduce the often public disregard of women by a growing number athletics for their verbal and domestic abuse.

If we support each other and present our positive voices and accomplishments to America and the world, we can reduce negative and encourage positive images. We should not argue with someone about their preference, but we can denounce and boycott anyone who degrades black women because of their own ignorance.

Read the article Why Black Women Are Less Physically Attractive Than Other Women @

http://conversations.blackvoices.com/entertainment/99435682aaea4564b24369ed6fc90973/sistas-they-still-s%20.../5241bb8866a545a7aafefe26b6268e01?sn=3



reprint with permission only May 2011