Black Women and Marriage

In this era where marriage as it was once established in biblical and cultural terms is constantly being challenged, black women have emerged as the underdog in the hopes and dreams of ever getting married. Though divorce statistics are extremely high and marriage is plummeting in general, the challenge for black women is critical in comparison.

According to The State of our Unions, a yearly study produced by the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia and the Center for Marriage and Families at the Institute for American Values, marriage is at a high risk particularly among the middle and lower classes, mostly attributed to an "overriding shift in values." The study further concluded that highly educated and more affluent marriages are on the rise enjoying more strong and stable households. The report may be reversed for highly educated and affluent black women who are often plagued with the issue of finding viable mates. This may be associated with the lack of black men accelerating at the same level and the unwillingness of black women in higher wage groups to accept men with a lesser income or profession.

My difficulty in emotionally digesting the thought that society has come to a point where marriage is being constantly attacked and frequently labeled as obsolete and the fact that black women are challenged more severely than any other segment of the population is the compelling reason for this writing. I highly respect the institute of marriage and believe like many cultures and societies around the world that marriage is a sacred gift from God and should not be taken for granted.

Considering the statistics in most studies and reports are overwhelming, I am prompted to research further how this phenomenon came about and if we can find solutions to shift the pattern and break the chains that continue to enslave us and our way of thinking. This thirst for answers took me back to slavery, where African Americans can often find the roots of many problems we still face in America today.

The prolific writer and scholar, W.E. DuBois believed "the pattern of separation and rape by white slave owners during slavery produced single and unwed black mothers." Noted scholar and sociologist, E. Franklin Frazier, described "black women emerging as a more controlling force in the slave household--self-reliant, self-sufficient, and lacking a spirit of subordination to masculine authority." I believe these early experiences with the break-up and separation of the black family is significant to why so many black women remain unmarried today.

My reason for connecting our past history with the limited marriage opportunities for black women today is the direct ties to modern day enslavement of black men. Sociologist William Julius Wilson has argued that increasing levels of non marriage and female-headed households is a "manifestation of the high levels of economic dislocation experienced by lower-class black men in recent decades. He asserts that when joblessness is combined with high rates of incarceration and premature mortality among black men, it becomes clearer that there are fewer marriageable black men relative to black women who are able to provide the economic support needed to sustain a family." Today's society breeds other prevailing factors that support the limited availability of black men including homosexuality and marrying women outside the black race.

As painful as this situation appears, we have to openly discuss and work on solutions to counteract the doom portrayed in statistical reports and main stream media. I am hopeful if we begin even as individuals to implement change we can reduce and reverse negative ratios. Some thoughts and suggestions are.

• Encourage black men to advance their education. With innovation and technology at the forefront of our future, black men must be in a position to compete in the global workforce. Women will reinvent themselves at forty, fifty, sixty and beyond, whereas men are less likely to be motivated to return to school or embark on another trade or profession. We can begin early by instilling the importance of education in our boys and continue to encourage our black men whether they are husbands, partners, sons, brothers, friends or colleagues.

• Focus on communicating openly and effectively with our mates. Instead of concentrating on being right, listen to what the other person is saying. We may agree or disagree. No matter how strong the disagreement, ineffective communication leads to separation. Separation breeds distance and increases the gap.

• Drop the "angry black woman" image. No matter how strong men are, they don't want to be overpowered by their women. For some black women, this may mean humbling yourself to submission. Humility is an honor and submission is a deep level of devotion and commitment that should be exercised by both men and women to create a deeper love for each other. We often confuse submission with control and manipulation when we simply need to cooperate with the divine flow of working together.

• Stop settling for less in relationships. Less is defined as physical and mental abuse, relationships with married men we are not married to and living together unmarried. A good question to ask yourself is, "Would you do to the other person what you are allowing them to do to you?"

• Move up, move down, and move out. Try dating and marrying men who are younger or older. As long as the gap makes sense (let's be realistic) and you bring joy to each other, age is insignificant. Moving out is to consider dating men of other races. Black women are among the most loyal women staying within their own race in dating and marriage. Be more open to expanding your horizons.

• Pray and seek spiritual guidance and stay focused on things that enrich your life with or without a mate.

These suggestions may not resolve many of the deep issues that have created the tremendous marriage gap black women experience, but we should make a commitment to start focusing on self-improvement and become role models for our young daughters. One final comment, media, statistics and other people do not define us and rarely portray black women for the phenomenal women we really are. We still stand as beautiful queens regardless of our marriage status. "Facts do not hinder our faith."

What Sarah Palin and other public figures should learn from the Arizona Shootings?

After reading and listening to mass media, Internet and FB comments, I conclude the same thing I have said for many years; public figures and celebrities have a responsibility to act and speak in a manner that represents a positive image in the public. I have heard countless people in these positions downplay being role models, particularly when their conduct is despicable. Unfortunately, being a role model comes with their career choices whether they like it or not.


In the case of Sarah Palin, the map that she choose to use as advertisement which depicts guns pointing to Democratic congressional representatives is a image of violence to a great deal of the American public. While the map and other rhetoric of hate by some members of the Tea Party and other organizations may or may not be responsible for the actions of Jared Loughner, one can conclude Giffords was the intended target as indicated on the infamous “electoral” map.

No one in Sarah Palin’s camp, including Sarah Palin tried to defend the use of the guns on the map prior to the mass shootings, even when it was challenged by her constituents. Few members of the Republican Party stood up and denounced the advertisement or any other of the bigoted actions surrounding Tea Party events leading up to the November elections of last year.

If someone points a gun at me regardless of whether it is on a map or in the person, I conceive that as a violent act. There simply is no excuse or reasoning. While I do not think Sarah Palin is directly responsible for the actions of a deranged young man, I hope the lesson learned is “what you put out is what you get back.” The consequences of negative actions are negative results.

Releasing Anger to Move Forward

Author Terry McMillan shared on Oprah this morning some open and poignant statements on her three year journey of anger, embarrassment and frustration with the very public announcement by her ex-husband admitting he was gay after being married over ten years.  She admitted the anger consumed her life and she was not able to move forward until she released the hurt and journeyed back to happiness.  It's a disheartening story and many share her pain.  We often hold ourselves hostage over our past hurts and disappointments without realizing the person we are hurting most are ourselves.  Move on to move forward and declare your freedom today.  Someone told me many years ago "Anger is a temporary state."  What anger will you release today?

"Mo Better" Inspiration by Sheila: Help, I'm Stuck and I Can't Get Up!

"Mo Better" Inspiration by Sheila: Help, I'm Stuck and I Can't Get Up!: "Have you ever been stuck, I mean really stuck and had the most difficult time getting up? You can't get out of bed; you can't go to work, ca..."

Help, I'm Stuck and I Can't Get Up!

Have you ever been stuck, I mean really stuck and had the most difficult time getting up? You can't get out of bed; you can't go to work, can't think straight and even performing the simple everyday tasks for survival becomes difficult. You begin to realize it is not as some would describe procrastination, it is simply Life. When you are in a Life mood, suddenly unimportant things seem to take precedence over important things. There are times when you want to do nothing at all or everything, except what you should be doing. These Life moods will often take you further and further away from your goals and even your purpose.

So, what is keeping you down? Why is it that you can't get up? Are you sunken in debt? Are you in the midst of a physical or mental challenge, marriage, divorce or has life simply been unfair to you? Don't despair; we all need help at some point in our lives to move beyond situations that are stalling our progress. Sadly, some of us stay in that position for too long. We wander around looking for something we can do to quench our thirst or find our way and neglect to go within to find a special purpose for which we can truly live.

I pray this article gives you a nudge and pulls you back in place before you get too far out. I know some of you may be fighting and kicking, but remain steadfast and listen to the voice that says, "In spite of what you are going through, come alive, get up now and get in tune with your spirit." I was in a stuck mold, which is why I am writing. Writing is good therapy for me and I want to share with you how I moved from stuck to action. First, I wrote down five things that were important or significant for me to make a difference in my life or the life of someone else. Second, I placed the list in order of significance with the least important at the bottom. None of the items had to do with work or money because while finding work is a goal, working is not a life goal. Having money certainly has privileges, but does not change your internal spirit. The revealing factors on your list do not have to be grand or elaborate, only realistic. The top item on your list is actually what you should be doing at this very moment to move from stuck to action. This item is your vision. You want to bring your vision to life so that you will have victory over being stuck. While my recommendation may be viewed as a simple process, there are times when one word, a gesture or brief note can be meaningful to energize us.

This is a process you can begin today. You don't have to save your hopes and dreams for the beginning of the New Year when resolutions go in full force. There is no need to stay in a stuck situation when you can resolve to change your life today. My prayer for you is to have a Victory Season!

"Mo Better" Inspiration by Sheila: What happened to Black Love?

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